I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
