I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize