there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
