woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
