She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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