The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize