she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
