I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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