I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
