T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
