I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
