Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
