you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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