Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
