Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
