saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
