Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
