i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
