it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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