She's JV to your varsity
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize