god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
