I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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