I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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