I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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