The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
