Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize