I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
