I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
