The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
