You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
