im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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