there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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