I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
