I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
