Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
