I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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