I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
