apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
