One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
