I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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