Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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