i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
