my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
