have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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