I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
