I wish I could punch you in the face.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
