I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
