I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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