East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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