Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The police scanner is talking about you again....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
