tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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