Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize