"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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