addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
