I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
