I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
