woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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