Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
