wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
