i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I wish there were birth control emojis
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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