Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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