I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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